Chicken. Possibly the most consumed meat in the world is a funny bird, they look kinda yuck, most live in filthy slum farms awaiting death, some are spared to shat out as many eggs as possible before being executed, and a privileged few actually live on a proper farm in a yard or pen, but they get executed too. Chicken even tastes bland, without anything added it's just a tasteless piece of protein, however this may be the reason it's so versatile flavour wise, pretty much every cuisine on the planet has a few chicken dishes, from crispy southern style fried to hainanese chicken to whole roasted chilli chickens to south Indian veppudu, all with chicken all tasting differently great.

I'm very fussy when it comes to the chicken I eat, has to be white meat, and trim, skinless unless roasted or deep fried and definitely no funny bits which there are a lot of on a chicken, how chicken feet, heads and other random bits of this bird can be eaten is beyond me and will never be experienced. I don't even eat chicken mince or chicken in springrolls, I'm one of those that has to be able to identify the chicken pieces, to a degree anyway.

Enough digressing. Welcome to cockfighting volvodriver style. Here we'll be doing something a little different from the standard review, these are head to heads, wings vs wings, fried chicken against fried chicken, butter chicken bouts, you get the idea. No Portuguese chicken burgers will feature here as there is of course a whole section dedicated to that. Each contest will be between two contenders, the winner being declared by me based on taste, more taste and maybe a little on how appetising it looks, there will be no draws.

KFC Original Fillet Burger vs. McDonald's McChicken

Original Clash - McDonalds McChicken vs. KFC Original Fillet Burger

I can't quite remember when the McChicken first came to Australia, but it wasn't out for long when I started working there and it was heaven, to be able to sneakily eat just the McChicken patties from the warmer out the back, was like a massive nugget, only tastier, and the burger, while simple was just delicious in my opinion, however there was a problem, the colonel had a pretty similar burger too, a nice piece of fried white chicken meat on a sesame seed bun with lettuce and mayo, although his offering seemed to use an actual piece of chicken.

So that's why we're here, having the Australian versions of the classic McChicken and the original Fillet Burger, not alot has changed with these two, Maccas still use what visually resembles ground up imitation chicken flesh shaped into a round type shape and battered then fried in the classic vat fryer out the back while the folks at KFC use a boneless breast piece of original recipe chicken that is pressure deep fried. Let's start with the Macca's offering, at $7.75AUD for just the burger I'd say for 2024 it's nominally priced. Upon opening the burger box you can really see that literally nothing has changed, which is fine, I used to love these, maybe I still will. The fillet burger from KFC actually looks smaller, but it definitely feels heavier, unlike the McChicken you can barely see any actual chicken when you unwrap it, that is until you lift the hood, then it's clear that one is from a fried chicken outlet and the other makes beef burgers.

As I took my first bite into that McChicken though I was instantly transported back to a much earlier time, that distinct McChicken flavour really was old school familiar and honestly I liked it, could it have been better if the patty was straight out of the fryer? If there was a decent amount of lettuce? Yes, but to be fair this how they've always been, I've only ever had the privilege of having a hot McChicken when I worked there and made it myself. It's also clear that the chicken is still mashed up manufactured chicken breast meat that apparently has been RSPCA approved, I'd love to know more about that. Contrast that with the KFC experience, I was quite underwhelmed after the first bite, however it quickly changed, it's so evident that you are eating an actual piece of chicken here and the supporting ingredients being of similar quality to Maccas means that overall, the Original Fillet burger is quite simply the better fried chicken burger and at only 20 cents more than the Maccas offering is by far the better value. While the McChicken had that old school flavour that I used to love so much, the fact that you are eating mashed up chicken shaped and formed in a factory is too obvious and sadly, the rest of the McChicken was binned whilst I devoured the entire Fillet burger.

Some might argue that I should have put the Original Fillet burger up against a McCrispy instead but no, for me this was about the classics to see which has stood the test of time. It's clear the colonel comes out on top, on this occasion.

Winner - KFC Original Fillet Burger

McDonald's Nuggets vs. Burger King Nuggets

Nug Life - McNuggets vs Nugget Royalty

Chicken Nuggets, what a brilliant, digusting invention. Quite a few years ago, when chicken distribution was taken away from farmers and handed to big corporates, the fat suits realised there was so much waste of the chicken, I mean why throw away a perfectly good smelly carcas that has been stripped of all actual edible meat? The pet food factories are smiply not paying as much as the creators of chicken dishes for human consumption, but what are they going to do with chicken bones, feet, beaks, eyes, sphincters, loose red neck skins, and other random filthy chicken bits? The answer is nothing. Nothing unless we (the fat suits) do something with these remains, something that makes them usable, even tasty? That is the story of the birth of the chicken nugget, born out of fat suit greed to squeeze those final last cents out of each slaughtered chicken.

The not so humble beginnings for this seamingly innocent little food has now slightly changed a little. There are variants of these nuggets that are now marketed as 'only white chicken meat' or '100% chicken breast', and in recent years, thanks to awareness and/or some level of wokeness the fast food giants are being held to account on what exactly they put into their 'food'. The nugget is the prime example here, when first introduced the mashed up chicken offs mixed with slime, colourings and flavourings then battered and deep fried turned out to be a pretty decent tasting snack, the concern that one has in their brain about what exactly is being consumed whilst chewing on these nuggets was overridden by the sensation that the taste buds were tricked into feeling this is pretty tasty. But now, these traditional old school nuggets have been replaced by actual bits of chicken breast, or so we are told.

So that's what we're doing here today, taking a nugget from one big chains and putting it up against the other. Usually I would have chosen the colonel for one side, as his nuggets are pretty sensational, and I think were always made with real chicken, but alas, they are not available here. So I decided to put chicken nuggets from two global brands whose main selling items are NOT chicken to see who comes up with the tastier version. The self proclaimed king of burgers is up first, the minimum order is for nine which is kinda sucks as despite what you choose to believe I am definitely going to only eat one or maybe two of these things. I have to say from the exterior it looks like a pretty standard disgusting little nugget and when you cut into the exterior and take a look at the inside (something that really doesn't happen when you eat a nugget unless you're a child), that feeling more or less stays, just looks quite disgusting, a dry piece of preformed chicken that feels so unnatural. The taste of these nuggets is not bad, but it's certainly not good, these are bordering on inedible without the sauce that comes with, a sauce that you have no choice on, at least from the online portal for ordering anyway.

Now we have the golden arches offering, with the minimum order being a much better 6 nuggets and the choice from five sauces, hot mustard is what I chose, however there is nothing hot about it, just a slight sweet tang, which for me has been my favourite sauce for devouring these nuggets on the few occasions I do. Sadly it's clear these nuggets have spent an awfully long time in the warmer, the exterior is tough and dry which means, yup you guessed it, the interior is tough and dry, more than usual. This truly felt like what I imagine eating rubber wrapped in plastic would be. It's a pity as I'm convinced had I received nuggets that were not so old Maccas would have stolen the crown from Burger King.

Winner - Burger King Nuggets

McDonalds Chicken Wings vs. Pizza Hut Chicken Wings

Wing Off - McDonalds Chicken Wings vs. Pizza Hut Chicken Wings

What the what? It's only been six years since the last cockfighting article, that and yea I know, but believe or not KFC doesn't do their Wicked Wings here in Dubai, in fact, from what I could see most of the major fried chicken chains (and there are ALOT of them here) don't do wings. There's quite a few dedicated wings places, but I wanted to compare some big international chains so they are relevant to you, my global readers from all corners of the planet! So that's why we're here and I'm just as amazed as you that we have a wingoff between the world's largest burger chain and probably I think the world's second largest pizza chain.

First up, these were both delivered, and there's a huge difference straight off the bat. Some genius at Pizza Hut decided to let the chicken wings have a bath in the mustard sauce I chose during the online ordering process, this bath was a long bath too as it took at least 30 minutes from ordering till I got them. And this of course meant the majority of the chicken wings were a cold, soggy mess, thank the heavens above the IQ wasn't so low that they poured the sauce over the chicken wings. Salvaging what I could I put this up against the McDonalds offering, which I haven't mentioned yet was 5dhs ($2AUD) for 3 pieces of gloriously fried chicken wings that were so crispy on the outside I was a tad concerned for my molars and so moist and juicy on the inside. Pizza Hut really has a tough one on their hands charging 24dhs for 6wings, so 3 wings works out to be 12dhs, thats way more than double the price of Maccas.

Both wings are fried, which I was pleasantly surprised at, I certainly expected the McDonald's ones to be as there's an abundance of deep fat fryers in the stores, but Pizza Hut? I thought they'd use the Dominos trick and bake these in their ovens, but thankfully not, these are also nicely fried. After finding a few pieces that were not so drenched in the mustard I got stuck in, the first bite wasn't bad, I had a nice little oil coating on my lips, the chicken was still warm (not hot) and the batter was a teeny bit crunchy, the second bite is where the problem started, these wings are way too chickeny, there's no real flavour, I guess this is why they want to douse the crap outta them in sauce, I ate one more just to be sure this wasn't a one off, and sadly it wasn't these wings had a terrible chickeny taste that lingered in your mouth.

For me there's no competition here, McDonald's whacked it outta the park, Their chicken wings are not sauced so they stay crispy, they are fried perfectly to achieve that wonderful outside texture and when you crunch through that lightly peppered exterior you get hot, moist and juicy chicken that is just so delicious, and for 5dhs how can you possibly go wrong. Looks like the boffins at the food laboratory in McDonald's headquarters have done it again.

Winner - McDonalds Chicken Wings

KFC Mighty Zinger vs. MarryBrown Spicy MB Tower

Zing Zing Zing - KFC Mighty Zinger vs. MarryBrown Spicy MB Tower

In the red corner we have the mighty zinger, a seasoned heavy weight up against the Spicy MB Tower from MarryBrown in the, other, also red corner. These two giants have two deep fried breast pieces of chicken encased in a batter that is hot and spicy, both also have cheese, lettuce, mayonnaise and hot sauce on a sesame seed bun. The burgers are quite tall, MarryBrown slightly outdoing the colonels attempt by less than a centimetre. Both seemingly made to order, however only one is piping hot, the zinger burger was warm at best, obviously the zinger patties were not fresh outta the fryer.

Another obvious difference is the quality of assembly, the MB Tower looks relatively neat and put together by someone who seems to have a semblance of care, the Mighty Zinger on the other hand looks like a disaster, it could even qualify for a farce report. They are both difficult to get a whole bite in, I will say the MB Tower nearly dislocated my jaw though. However it was worth it, both burgers do come out swinging, one like an inebriated man on his way home swinging his arms from street sign to street light to keep upright, the other hard and fast like a heavyweight champion. The MB Tower with its hot, oily, crispy batter crunched away so well revealing surprisingly tender and moist flesh, the zinger losing out with its chicken not only being dry and lukewarm, but also quite stringy. The spice? How's the spice? I hear you asking... Well the zinger delivers it's usual 'kick' but again the MB Tower comes out with uppercuts left right and centre, that classic zinger flavour is there with the Mighty Zinger, but it doesn't compare with the heat emanating from the MB Tower, their spicy batter really is proper spicy, I'm pleasantly surprised and quietly happy, much preferring the MB Tower at this stage.

The lettuce and mayonnaise are predictably the same for both however as the construction of the MB Tower is nicer, it feels better, there's not mayo coming off the sides, whereas on the Mighty Zinger, I would say half the mayonnaise was out of the bun, the cheese however is a different story, KFC uses the tried and tested american style bright orangey yellowish triple processed cheese, MarryBrown opts for the plasticy pale yellow variety, my preference is for the former, the flavour of this toy like cheese seems to meld much better with the hot and spicy batter. Each burger also has a hot sauce on the base, with this much chicken it was hard to tell the whether the flavour was coming from the batter or the sauce, I did not try the sauces separately, so really it comes down to the overall spiciness, another one for the MB Tower.

To be honest I'd have either one again, but only because there are far less MarryBrown outlets around. I have no bias here, I hate both chains equally, KFC for their inconsistencies and farce contributions, MarryBrown for using what appears to be grade F meat in the indian branches, something I suffered with for many summer vacations before KFC opened up their doors there. However there is a winner, by knockout, the american cheese is simply not enough to push the colonel's sorry attempt over the line, MarryBrown takes the title, with its MB Tower burger that was bigger, neater, had chicken that was not stringy, and was spicier.

Winner - MarryBrown MB Tower Burger