Farce Food

I still remember those days, being the youngest in the family I had little idea of what plans were in store for dinner and such, I just knew something would be served sooner or later. It was because of this that when it was rumoured McDonald's was coming home for dinner, it was exactly that, a rumour, frantically as I tried to confirm these reports I could never get clarification that the burgers from those huge golden arches were in fact coming home. I'd be reduced to playing with my GiJoe's near one of the windows that looked out on the street. Even though I had the toys in my hands, they were just distractions in my then one track mind, I was really concentrating on waiting for Volvo 164E to pull up outside the house so I can dart outside and check if my dreams were about to come true. It still amazes how much I loved McDonalds as child, I remember the first time I was upgraded from a cheeseburger to a BigMac, that was a huge day, I really felt that finally I was growing up. I don't know whether fast food looked better then, or it's just that no matter how it actually looks, to you, a fast food starved child, it looked like heaven on earth. Relativitiy, it's an amazing thing.

As an adult of course you are able to put things in better perspective, although I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like, if I had a good digital camera back then, and somehow had the foresight to take good high resolution pictures of my McDonalds and other fast food before consuming, and sometimes mid consumption. That of course did not happen, and as a result we are stuck with memories to compare fast food from today to that of yesteryear, and that brings me to what we're doing here, comparing fast food, not to fading memories, but from what it should look like to what it actually does. Too many times you're at the counter at McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, or any of the many fast food outlets staring at the menu boards with their blinding flourscent backs lighting up picture perfect images of huge burgers with thick juicy patties, cheese melting just right on top, stacks of country fresh lettuce, tomato and what not neatly aligned with the buns, golden brown fries standing tall and straight, ice cream sundaes that look like they have been hand made and so on. Only to get your order and have to spend a few mintues trying to work out which particular burger it is you got.

It never ceases to amaze me just how bad the representation is of the burger in the promotional shot to that of the actual product, I mean you can't expect it to look like the promo shots all the time or exactly, but with the major fast food giants they NEVER look anything like them, it is this that has inspired me to document the worst of the worst. We are all used to getting a big mac that looks nothing like the picture we have had drilled into our heads since we can remember, but sometimes, and it's not that rare, you get a particularly bad one, and if I have a camera, and there's a good chance I will, I'll snap it up, and post it here, so that we can see them, side by side, switching from laughter to shock to sadness, sad because we pay for this food.

Please note that the food here is not tampered with in anyway, its just taken out of the wrapper and photographed, sometimes the crown of a burger will be lifted to photograph the inside. None of this food is staged to intentionally make it look crap, I guess there's no way to prove this to you, so you'll just have to trust me, besides that, I don't think it would be possible to make the food look worse than it does!

** Worst of the worst - KFC Zinger**

A Chili Reception - Burger King Dubai

An incredible, almost four years has passed since the last farce food, I have plenty of material, just no time to write them up, this one however was rushed to the head of the queue. Adding a nice kick of chili to a burger is becoming quite the trendy thing to do nowadays, and when I heard about the boys at Burger King adding not only some sliced jalapenos but a splash of Tabasco onto a Whopper, giving this a go was a no brainer. A classic whopper with cheese fired up a bit with a bit of chili, sounds like a pretty good thing to do to a flame grilled burger, even if that flame grilling is chemically injected into the meat!

The picture above was actually quite hard to get, I couldn't find much promo shots of this burger on the net, it was taken from their online ordering system, and basically looks like a normal whopper, which is what it is just with the addition of the hot stuff, you can see the jalapenos jutting out over that bed of fresh crisp lettuce and then some red sauce, that looks like nothing like Tabasco on top of them. Basically your standard issue promo shot that we definitely know ours won't look anything like.

And here's what you get. Honestly I'm so used to this crap that the thing that stood out the most for me was the distinct lack of sesame seeds and that lacquered like finish to the bun. After looking up the burger I noticed that it's done with a brioche bun?! What kind of idiot thought a sweet brioche bun would go nicely with the jalapenos and Tabasco??? Don't give me this subtle sweet and hot balance bullshit, for me, like the majority of cases with brioche buns on burgers, it detracted from the experience, I couldnt help but keep thinking how much nicer it would have been with a standard sesame seed but. What? Of course I ate it, it's a whopper, how much better do you think it's gonna look? Mind you, after approximately 5 bites I could have no more, it was just too much like slop. Even after requesting EXTRA LETTUCE on the special notes section of the order, you can see from the last pic that it seems I got the special AS MINIMAL AMOUNT OF FKN LETTUCE POSSIBLE, I think there was maybe 2 small pieces of lettuce on this burger, one way off to the side and one in the middle that had become one with the sauce, bun and other crap. Why people that deliver burgers don't put a good amount of lettuce into a burger baffles me, it completely saves the burger from becoming a pile of mush. Anyway I'm digressing, let's wrap this up shall we, as far as taste goes this was basically what you'd expect, a whopper with a bit heat, did it taste disgusting? No. Does it look like their promotion of the burger, of course fkn not.

The Royal Treatment - Burger King Dubai

To me ths sandwich is a pure classic. I've been having it since I can remember, there's something about those chicken giblets, feet, and beaks crushed up and factory processed then shaped into this long patty that's served with the simpliest of condiments, a bit of mayonnaise and some lettuce on a long sesame seed bun. It's particularly good when you get it at the outlet and its piping hot, fresh outta the lard fryer.

From the above promo shot you can see what I mean, looks simply delicious, in fact I want one now just looking at it. There's no cheese on this beast either, you can of course add cheese, but the true chicken royale connoisseur would never adulterate this original. There's quite a few variations in the royale range now but it started off with this one and it has remained on the menu, largely untouched thankfully.

This of course doesn't mean you won't get that special Burger King touch now and then when you order one, and as you can see above, this one one has been touched really severely. The genius who put this together seems like he decided to touch it with this ass by sitting on it for a few seconds before packaging it up. Also looks like the lettuce used was picked up off the floor, and those floors must be reasonably clean as there wasn't much lettuce at all on the burger. The patty was also bordering on cold and quite rubbery, so after a few bites I'd had enough of tasting ass and chucked this out.

Disappointed is what I feel, not only as this is a classic, but its so bloody simple to make, the fryer has a timer, the bread is definitely not pre-squashed, the lettuce is already washed and cut up in bags and the mayonnaise is dispensed with a gun, putting this together is something a mentally handicapped, partially blind chimpanzee would probably be able to do, how this was wrapped up and given to me beggars belief.

US UK Relations Hit an All Time Low - McDonalds UK

On a quick trip to London I heard one morning on the radio of the ‘Great Tastes of America’ promotion at McDonalds. I didn’t think too much of it, however later that night on TV I saw a promo, the burger featuring at the moment is the New York stack, it looked awesome on the commercial, as they usually do, then it hit me, this is going to be a perfect candidate for the rarely updated Farce Food section, surely pimple poppers putting these together in the assembly yard they have at all McDonalds now would screw this up royally.

As you can see above, the food stylist really put some good effort in here, this gorgeously tall burger has two plump juicy patties sitting atop that tried and tested triple processed cheese flavoured orange slice, it’s then got some grilled bacon, some pickles, interesting looking slaw, lettuce and another of the cheese flavoured slices. The sauces this burger has is ketchup, mustard. Here’s what the McDonalds legal department approved this burger to be captioned with – “Two 100% British and Irish beef burgers with bacon, chunky coleslaw, pickles, cheese, tomato ketchup, mustard and lettuce in a sesame & poppy seed topped bagel. Available from 2nd-15th May.”

And here’s what you get. I was prepared for something quite pathetic, after all I did admit to myself this was going to be a candidate for the farce, but what I got is exceptionally filthy. Let’s start with the basics, the coleslaw was non-existent, simple not there, the burger is of course off centre, with patties jutting out on one side. Under the hood, the complete absence of coleslaw is clear, its pickle heavy though, with about 4, there was barely any lettuce, and the bacon looked limp and wet. And you can clearly see a significant amount of the cheese is not even on the burger, melded nicely into the (most likely) as tasty cardboard box.

After removing the bacon, I got stuck in, the first bite was very bad, extremely dry and confirmed my suspicion that the bagel would just added to the dryness. It was quite difficult to chew and gave my jaw a great workout, the second bite was just as bad and that’s it folks, the rest was expressed to the bin. It’s unfortunate, as while the farce food report is about showing the difference visually between the advertised item and what you actually get, the food, particularly from McDonalds is usually edible, after all they spend a lot of money on making sure the chemicals in the food tickle the taste buds, but this was at another level, the visuals really matched the taste.

Spicy Hell - Big Tasty Spicy

The Big Tasty... They finally have come up with something that directly rivals the Whopper, this sandwich is quite big and when properly made is quite reasonable for what it is, I've had a couple and to be fair they've been pretty reasonable. Lately Maccas have launched a couple of limited time varities to the Big Tasty, one of which is the Big Tasty Spicy.

This version has harissa mayonnaise and jalapenos added to the normal Big Tasty which is already bursting lots of lettuce, multiple slices of tomatoes and not one, not two but three slices of emmental cheese. And as you can see from the above promo shot the big boys at Maccas would be pretty happy with the latest modifications to one of their biggest burgers, it really looks senstational, lots of thick layers, heaps of jalapenos and that spicy mayo dripping perfectly from all the right spots. I'm a sucker for spicy burgers and as soon as I saw this I had to try it.

This is it. There are some similarities to mine and the promo, you can see the mayonnaise dropping out one side, and the patty is quite large, but it pretty much ends there, where is the lettuce and tomato? what about the cheese bursting out? You can see a couple of sorry jalapenos, and under the hood we have an idea as to what's happened, the cheese is one sorry slice that while centred is nothing like what you're expecting, the soggy filthy solitary tomato has melded into the cheese and there's a few strands of lettuce hanging around with the a surprisingly large number of jalapenos which didn't look quite as bad as what I'd thought. After the visual inspection I tucked in, and oh my gosh this is disgusting. I'm not sure how they have made this harissa mayonnaise but this is one time the white coats in the maccas lab have completely cocked it up, the flavour that this sauce was imparting was just disgusting, no other way to put it, totally ruining the entire burger, this was inedible and after two bites, the second to confirm how bad the first was it was binned. Du du duu duu duuuu they're loving it.

Sub Par - Charley's Grilled Subs

It's been well over a year since the last farce update, It's not so much that fast food has improved alot in appearance (although I will say it's getting slightly better), it's more that I'm getting more immune to the disgusting slop that is sometimes served to you as food from these joints, this one however I could not pass up posting, look at the beautiful sandwich below...

Until now I haven't had an entry here for a sub styled takeaway joint, I think this is mainly because I avoid these normally. If I want a sandwich I'll go to a place that does proper sandwiches. Since being in Dubai however there's alot more options and I have seen Charley's around alot, boasting about their bigger fresher sandwiches and subs so I thought I'd give them a go. The menu boards are bright here, almost like they are brighter than normal fast food joints, the staff are buzzing around happily under the neon lit pictures of these mammoth looking subs that have perfectly layered fillings that of course look very inviting. I couldn't resist going for what I believe would be their classic, the philly cheese steak, I love a good philly cheese steak sandwich.

And above is what you actually get, at first it looks like they've made a mistake and just wrapped up a plain bun with nothing in it, that is until you open the lid to what seriously should be called a coffin, this disgusting melange of... I dunno, just filth, it looks like it's some poor sod out the back is made to chew a whole bunch of crap and spit it out onto these rolls, it was so disgusting, like really filthy, I wouldn't wish this to be fed to my worst enemy, I think there'd be conventions against this to serve this to PoW's. I honestly had one bite of this, and after some dry heaving I confirmed this tasted as it looked and it was binned, straight into the main bin too. This truly is a new level of pure unadulterated filth that I have encountered. This has seriously inspired me to try the other big sub chain and see what I get.

Shocking Chill - Burger King Prague

Reporting virtually from the Czech Republic we have the chili cheeseburger by Burger King. Fat man took the pics and based on them, a brief discussion with him and my interpretation of it I'll be doing the write up, mainly because fat man is too busy trying to ram 5B.

What a master stroke, a genius idea, get a classic cheeseburger, something so simple yet so good and add a little spark to it with chilli! There's no sarcasm here folks, this truly was a brilliant concept. The only question is how to deliver this spark, no doubt after weeks, if not months of debate, fights, experimentation and finally probably capitulation, the white coats in the BK labs decided to go with the fiery jalapeño as the vehicle to transport the kick to your taste buds...

Upon looking at the burger still in its wrapper sitting quietly as if it knew its fate, next to its bigger brother the aptly named big king, we already have a good idea of what's in store for us, after all we are hardly farce food newbies are we? I'll admit though, when I was convincing fat man to go with the chili cheeseburger over Skype a small part of me had some hope this burger could deliver, of course the much larger part of me just wanted him to suffer.

And boy did he suffer, not only did he accurately predict the jalapeños being pickled rather than fresh (as the promo picture seems to indicate), but take a look at this ugly, worn out, tiny mound, it really does look like a prisoner of war, after weeks of being tortured and malnourished, now waiting its last few moments before being consumed, almost feel sorry for it. The story only worsens as the lid is lifted, a few sorry dried up bits of pickled jalapeño slices over the usual chemically pumped beef and a some fused to the good ol factory triple processed cheese.

The only relief we get as viewers is knowing that fat man had to hold back several mivs during the tasting session of this exercise. The results? Predictably standard... Look, for how disgusting the burgers from the fast food giants are visually, most of the time they do have the standard, lab tried and tested, chemically induced, good times great taste.

Posted 13.10.2014

Zinged Again - KFC Dubai

Who doesn't love a crunchy hot chicken breast laden with the colonels secret hot n spicy mix, pressure deep fried in pig lard on a slightly stale bun with factory shredded lettuce and lashings of mayonnaise made by the kilolitre, oh and a slice of cheese, I usually don't like cheese on my chicken burgers but the thick crusty exterior of the zinger patty really compliments the kfc pale yellow plastic cheese very well. I'm salivating as I type this, I want, no need a hot zinger now!

I got one!!! Oh I can't wait to get stuck into this... This zinger exceeded even my expectations, look at this marvellous specimen, it's the very definition of anti-freshness. As I very carefully lift that tough dry bun up, exposing that rotting pile of disgusting slop that the colonel's representatives seem to think is acceptable to not only serve up but for you to part with $6.95 for, I suppress my first gag reflex, the lack of stench from the decomposing 'lettuce' is worrying, the gluginess of the mayo is only surpassed by the strange combination of the soggy, mushy, yet rigor mortis like texture of the zinger pattie.

One thing that saved this experience was the cheese, thank the Lord in all his mercifulness most of it was unseen under the zinger patty, placed elsewhere it would have only added to the mayhem.

This is also a first for the farce food report, this burger was so repulsive I refused to even taste it, and infact got a full refund.

Posted 11.10.2014

Better Mac - McDonalds

Wow, over five years since the last farce rant... and guess what? Yup... Maccas again! Heaps has happened at the golden arches since the last report, things like cook to order... yeah right, less sugar in the buns, and a heap of different menu specials, thing is, despite the years ticking past without a farce food report, I have actually still taken pics of the different specials as they came out, so as I'm now updating the site again, we'll get some more farce food reviews of older stuff coming up. Anyway todays review is new Angus Mac.

This burger is basically an McDonalds angus pattie with a Big Mac flavour, that being standard issue bright yellow Maccas cheese, rehydrated dehydrated onions, pickles (from a huge white bucket), shredded lettuce from a bag, their mac sauce, all on a sesame seed bun! As you can see the way the burger came to me was only very slightly different to their promo pic on their website. The lettuce was pretty gross, wet, old and a little brown.

To be honest I think i'd rather it not be there, the few times I've had a proper big mac with decent lettuce it was, believe it or not, a much better experience. You may be able to see from the pics that one side of my pattie was burnt to a crisp, which of course only helped my case for this farce food report.

I have to be honest though, this Mac Angus pretty much leaves no reason to have a big mac again. The angus pattie is definitely better than the standard big mac patties, the bun is better, and everything else is pretty much the same. And let's face it, these burgers are never gonna look like their promo shots, so when they at least taste OK for what they are, then, well... what more can you ask for? After all, you go to Maccas for Maccas... not a burger per se.

Posted 30.08.2013

Let the Games Begin - McDonalds

I'm resigned to the fact most of the articles in this farce section are going to be on McDonalds, as I've said they're the biggest fast food place in the world and they just keep coming up with 'fresh' new ideas to stuff up. The latest are a bunch of continent themed burgers that have staged releases coming up to the olympic games, we'll of course be reviewing each one. The first of which is the McEurope.

Mmmm look at that chicken burger, plump, fresh and looks like something you'd dive right into. As the card reads - Crispy chicken fillet burger with shavings of parmesan cheese and traditional napoletana sauce made from rich tomato, oregano and basil. I've been to Europe, a few times, it's a great place, so a burger representing it should be pretty good, it looks quite good in the picture, let's have a peek at what we got.

Wow, looks a bit different, a bit sorry, a bit pathetic, this is how McDonalds wants Europe represented in the 'Flavour of the Games' huh? This sad, limp sandwich consisted of a dry but otherwise reasonable tasting deep fried chicken piece with a few strands of lettuce, some disgusting tomatoey based sauce and an ultra thin, tiny square piece of parmesan flavoured cheese that was on about 20% of the burger.

Under the hood you've got visual confirmation of the European nightmare that I've just parted $5.95 for. Just bear in mind that McDonalds now 'cooks' to order, whoever put this together either really has something against Europe or just generally has no idea. Take a good look at the burger in the poster and then cast your eyes on my real pics of how this thing came to me, another amazing case of farce food! I can't wait to try the American, African, Asian and Australian versions of this world wind tour of the flavour of the games brought to us by McDonalds!

Posted 09.06.2008

Mc Watchamacallit - McDonalds

Okay this is getting ridiculous, but they keep asking for it. Launch a burger and ask the public to name it, not a problem usually, fun in fact, some might say, but when the burgers being served seem to stir up emotions of disgust and revolt in the beholders then I don't think it's a very good idea.

Above is the new name it burger from McDonalds, looking plump and juicy with fresh lettuce, tomato and grilled onions, even a slice of cheese and some nice flavours added to the meat pattie this is one burger that certainly has potential. To be a part of the naming fun we had to try one for inspiration to come up with possible names, let's take a look at what we came up with.... As the box says, 'Try it, Name it', on opening the box let's say I was 'shocked', 'surprised' and 'disappointed' ... there's some good names there... Mc Shocked, or Mc Disappointment!

Under the hood things only got worse, not only was the taste revolting but the presentation was non existant, I couldn't even see the cheese, everything was disgusting about this burger. On with some more naming suggestions, Mc Disgust, Mc Revolt, perhaps something a little different, something that the burger makes you want to do 'Mc Vomit' maybe, really there's too many choices here and none is really better than another, so my suggestion for a name is 'The totally McDisgusting and bitterly McDisappointing, McRevolting and McVomit inducing burger'. Wonder if it'll take.

 

Posted 27.08.2007

Lean Beef - McDonalds

Yeah Yeah, McDonalds again, what can I say? It's the biggest fast food outlet down here, and with a menu that's diversifying they have some interesting options to choose from. Here's one that has been around for quite a while and is consistently pretty revolting.

Above we see what McDonalds management believe you get when you order the Lean Beef burger, doesn't look too bad does it? Certainly something to try if you're watching your calorie intake, although one has to wonder what you'd be doing at McDonalds in the first place if you were diet conscience.

Now we see what the customer gets when they purchase the lean beef burger, and I can fully guarantee this burger tastes as good as it looks, as it looks here, in these pictures. The inventors of one of the world's finest burger sauces, Mac sauce, have somehow managed to create, what I believe is the world's worst burger sauce, whatever the crap is they put on this burger is nausating, this coupled with the driest meat pattie I have ever had, they could add sawdust to the pattie and it'd be juicier, makes this a burger that not only looks tremendously unappetising but taste truly disgusting, the worst burger I have ever, partially, eaten.

Posted 02.07.2007

Mc OZ - McDonalds

Another entry from McDonalds, hardly surprising I guess. The Mc OZ is the replacement for the now retired McFeast, its the same burger but with a slice of beetroot added. My guess is the name was changed due to 'Feast' having certain, now unwanted connotations for McDonalds.

Look at that fat juicy burger, thick pattie protuding from all sides, the perfectly placed, just starting to melt cheese and the carefully stacked extras with the sauces peaking out at all angles, now let's examine the actual product.

Here we have a totally different picture, which doesn't really tell a thousand words, more just one word, crap. This sorry looking thing is supposed to be a Mc OZ, fair dinkum seems to be the phrase that comes to mind when looking at it. You can see from the open picture that the cheese is clearly on one half of the burger with the beetroot slice, and the tomato is on the other half, the few shreds of lettuce are primarily stuck to the sauce which is the only thing that seems centred on the whole burger. You may not be able to tell from the pics but the pattie was truly disgusting, dry and tasteless, even for McDonalds.

 

Posted 03.06.2007

Big Mac - McDonalds

So I had a big mac the other day, just had that craving you know....

Anyway went through the drive thru to get it, got home and while I wasn't expecting it too look like the picture above, as they never do, I was expecting something better than what I got!! This is what it looked like when I opened the box, click the pic for a hi-res one! Even the cheese is on the wrong half, whoever made this mac needs to go back to training!

After trying to straighten it up a bit I got into this mess. Again enjoy the hi-res mayhem with a click! I'll stick to my OLE burgers from now on.

Posted 22.04.2007

Whopper Wonder - Burger King / Hungry Jacks

We all know the Whopper, look at the flame grill marks on the pattie, the fresh lettuce bursting out, resting ontop of some fat, brilliantly red tomato slices, and the crisp looking onion rings just above the juicy three pickles... looks fantastic.

Just looking at that burger makes me wanna get up, outta my chair right now and race down to Hungry Jacks and get one! The burger below however, kinda makes me wanna stay, firmly planted on my backside, happy that I haven't parted with my $3.75. On this burger, the whole pattie looks like it's one entire grill mark, the cheese is on half the burger, there's bits of lettuce everywhere, and the mayo is scarce, which quite frankly is probably a good thing. The best part about this burger is the tomato, high quality and very tasty. Although for the price of the burger you could get a whole bag of tomatoes, so I wouldn't recommend buying this burger to experience the tomato alone. Below you can also see the 'country style' chicken burger, it's quite a tasty number, and this one, despite a fair bit of mayo being on the top half of the bun, wasn't a particularly bad looking one, however it was in the shot so...

Anyway, in order to really enjoy a burger of this calibur, letting it cool, as I clearly did in order to take the pictures, not only enhances the flavour, it increases the difficulty in swallowing each bite! Truly an experience to be had.

 

Posted 14.04.2007

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