The Farce Food Fix

You know that old saying? "If you want something done right, do it yourself". Well that's what's happening here folks. After years of suffering, crying and screaming at whoever was in earshot at the sheer disgust of what you get from farce food I've decided to fix this once and for all. No longer will I have to sit there like a poor salivating ape unwrapping what I know in my heart will be the stuff of nightmares but still have that glimmer of hope there'll be something semi decent in there, no, not anymore, I've done the research here, I've done the experiments and the conclusion is simple. We CAN FIX it!

With the explosion of the food delivery service the situation with farce food has only gotten worse. You see, before the days of lil sycos on scooters darting in out of lanes and cars like mosquitoes at camp fire, you actually had to haul your lard packed arse over to a physical store and interact with people to a degree in order to get your farce food. But not anymore, the geniuses at the internet headquarters came up with online food delivery, so you don't even have to speak to anyone on the phone, you just pause the binge session of the Kardashians on Netflix, lift up that layer of belly fat that is going over your waist where your phone is hiding and tap away in a frenzy on some app like a crazy high school girl desperately trying to upload her latest tik tok of how to put make up on in reverse while instagramming herself planking on the roof of her parents neighbour's house. Then after a 30 minutes or so the doorbell rings, you go to the door... oh shit the driver is there, you forgot to click 'leave at door' option on the app!

Because of this level (or lack) of interaction, the accountability is less. It allows the minions slaving away at the farce food factories to really give it their all in cocking up your burger, perhaps even having kitchen competitions on who can screw up a particular burger the most or even experiments on different layering techniques so the burger looks as disgusting as possible. I mean why not? This burger is going to no one, there's no face to the customer, there's an image though, of a seriously fat bastard that will stuff anything into his mouth, and with that image comes the confidence of no ramification. There's little chance that the fat bastard is going to come down to the store to investigate what course of events resulted in him receiving such utter filth.

So that's why the farce food fix was born, to fix the trash that is sent to you, make it something not just edible but, dare I say, enjoyable. Over the course of this blog, I will reveal to you the secrets of fixing farce food. If you wanna do any of these make sure you have these basics, fresh lettuce, fresh tomatoes (firm ones), a quality mayonnaise, and some tomato and chilli sauces. You'll need more/different things for some fixes but these will cover most. And just a little side note, this is not just about fixing the farce food fk ups you get, it's also about improving, pimping if you will, the ordinary menu items you get from the big chains.

** Most Successful Fix - TBD **

Pimp my Quarter - McDonald's Quarter Pounder

I absolutely love the Quarter Pounder, it's fresh beef (not frozen - not sure if this is everywhere), cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickles and FRESH onions on that classic Maccas sesame seed bun. This simple combination lets off such a unique flavour profile in your mouth, that classic quarter taste that you cannot get anywhere else. This burger is not actually featured in the farce food section as it's pretty hard to screw up.

Today I'm going to try something Maccas has done before with an addition. Quite a few years back in Australia, Maccas had a promotion where you could order the Quarter Pounder with avocado, I tried it a few times and really like it, I have no idea on what was actually in the avocado, but I remember being quite surprised at just how avocadoie it was. So I thought I'd do the same with fresh avocado and some slices of tomato.

And here we have it, the totally pimped up Quarter Pounder with cheese, with fresh avocado, tomato and a dash of pepper. Dunno what you think but I reckons this looks like a pretty decent upgrade. I love the way it's still got that classic quarter look coz of that disgusting meat and the typical sesame seed bun, but then you have these proper slices of fresh tomato jutting out and chunky avo mash on top.

Now I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your arse, this wasn't the best burger upgrade, don't get me wrong, it wasn't terrible, but there was something lacking here, I think the freshness of my added ingredients really conflicted with that plastic rubbery texture the rest of the burger has by default. Would I do it again? Probably not, but I might try it with just the tomatoes, and maybe less of them.

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