I got this email a few weeks back, no, it wasn't my first, but it was a first in a sense. Like you, I get hundreds of joke and fun emails a year, while some are good, most are boring and none get a second look, however this one, this one got many a look, this email inspired me, and all the work on this page, while being performed by myself and DC, is in part thanks to the original writer of this masterpiece....
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
After reading this, DC and I decided, it was our job to verify these results, and find the ultimate victor. Well from one packet anyway. After all one has to assume that the results from one packet is a fair benchmark for the entire product. First off we started with some novelty events, we put some Smarties up against the M&Ms, we then proceed to run some challenges using the Shrek promotional M&M's, after these fun, warm up events we moved onto the main event, the M&M Championships. I'll be adding to this page if we do more tests or find anything that is contradictory to our findings.
